mid-life crisis

WARNING!!! THIS POST CONTAINS REAL FEELINGS.

as promised...words from january twenty-nine two-thousand and nine.

Am I too young for a mid-life? I think this might be an appropriate age. Do you have to be married to mid-life?

Who sits through three extra years of school, pays a wagon load of $$, stresses out for a degree only to decide that they don't want to use it? I don't want to be a therapist! I'm finally admitting it out loud to myself and to whoever reads this.

I'm tired of taking care of people. I've spent my whole life being the responsible one, doing what I'm supposed to, while everyone else checked out. I stayed on the sinking ship bailing away. Finally I look around to realize no one else is bailing. In fact, they've all swum to shore and are laying out on the beach eating mangos, drinking virgin margaritas having a grand ole time together. I look down at my bucket and there's a hole in it. No wonder I'm exhausted. I've been bailing with a broken bucket for a ship that doesn't even want to float. By myself.

My whole body is retreating from all things nurturing and I feel dissonance reverberating between my head and heart--between duty and desire. How did I get to this place? How did I let the world restrict me like this? And I hate that I feel like I have to answer to that same restricting world for deciding to not spend my life listening to people's problems, picking them up, dusting them off, and patching up their boo boos.

in the process of asking myself the hard questions...

What do I want to do?
What makes me happy?
How do I want to live my life?

13 comments:

Interesed Reader said...

You were obviously emotionally and spiritually spent when you wrote this. I'm sorry for that. You may wonder why you spent all of that energy to get that degree if you were not going to use it. Sometimes, the journey is the destination.

Remember Zion's Camp. After traveling the many miles and suffering the sicknesses, the brethren were told by the Lord that they were not going to fight after all. Was the whole thing a waste of time? No. The first members of the Twelve and Seventy were selected from among this group.

Remember George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life." He grew sick and tired of helping others. When an angel showed him what it would have been like for others without him, it was apparent that his helpfulness played an important role in their happiness.

More than you know, you have been an angel in other's lives, even an answer to prayers. Even the Savior whose life was dedicated to serving others felt a desire to not drink the bitter cup that life brought him. Ironically, God strengthened Him through an angel in a way that He had been like an angel to others.

Remember that angels seen and unseen are around bearing you up. Keep your chin up. Life would not be as beautiful of a place for those around you without your nurturing hand and empathetic heart. Things will work out. They always do.

Tiff said...

I loved your real feelings! You have always been responsible and I know exactly what you mean about trying to save ships that don't even want to be saved...I used to be this way too...then I got fed up and quit...seems like a bad attitude but, you gotta do what you gotta do to save yourself sometimes. I
I'm amazed because my father in law is a therapist at a military hospital and he was Stake pres. for 9 years...I can't figure out how he is so upbeat and doesn't let everyone's problems affect him...I don't know how he does it...maybe it is personality...who knows?!
I love you whatever you do! I miss you, let's really get together.

Dopp Family said...

Wow Charity! You are quite at the crosscroads! I wouldn't call it a mid-life... I would just call it a "crossroads". Whatever you decide to do, all that education will definitely help.

Have fun eating those mangos and chilling at the beach or at the pool!

nichole said...

i would only say... thank you.

thank you for being real

and

being you.

charity said...

thanks guys!

The Hokanson Family said...

Do you know who "interested reader" is? I loved what they wrote, as did I love this post. Charity, I really don't think it's a big deal that you're changing direction right now...all the extra education you've received and the money you've spent has not been a waste. We never know the outcome, and someday you will realize the importance of you going through all that, and I'm sure it will be to your benefit. You are an amazing person, and I know the Lord will make it clear to you the path that you should take from here. Love ya!

The Hokanson Family said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
elizabeth said...

charity,

not sure what to say--:)
thanks for sharing. this is probably why you've had a hard time job searching... because you didn't know what to do.

am i one of the peeps on the beach eating mangos?;)

hugs

Barack O. said...

Young Lady,

Too bad you're exiting the therapy arena. With my new policies, there will be a lot of future business for you in that field.

Yes we can.

Sara Jensen said...

Don't worry, I ask myself those questions all the time. Half the time I just hope I'm doing what's right and not just wasting my life. Good luck. Things will work out...at least that's what I like to believe.

okiedokiegma said...

oh you sweet precious girl! I can only tell you what a truly remarkable and very capable young woman you are. I had no idea you were struggling so, as each time I am around you I feel so much the better for your company and spirit. Just know how much you are admired, respected and Loved by those blessed enough to associate with you. Count me as one of your biggest fans!

Aubrey said...

this was so beautifully written and so heartfelt charity. i love your honesty. i think many of us have felt this in our own lives. we all know i have. but i read through that first comment and couldn't agree more. enjoy your journey as well as the destination. if you still lived in cdm i'd bundle up a bouquet of gerbera daiseys and bring them on over. :) love you guts.

Annie said...

I would have to agree that you are one creative individual! :) One thing to point out is that a lot of people are lawyers, doctors, etc., and live out their passions in the evenings and weekends. You could do that too! So many options...You will do great in whatever you pursue.